May, 2019

31st May, 2019

Wednesday May 1, 2019 - 07:32

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com There’s no porpoise to this tweet.

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 18:30

Hey @virginmediatwitter.com not sure what’s wrong here, but I’d like to chat online…

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 23:06

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com You’ve stopped being a vegan?!

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 23:12

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com Ahhh, I hope you find a balance that suits you. X

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 23:13

@dancharveytwitter.com I am not letting that hippy push a stone egg up my mangina.

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 23:20

@LouiseMoschettatwitter.com @LabourElytwitter.com I’ll be honest Louise, I’m a Labour voter living in Ely, and I’ve barely noticed any presence at all. I’ve tweeted at the two Labour candidates & the green candidate. Got nothing.

Today I got an email from that nice Mr Corbyn, but it’s a bit blooming late, as I’m a postal voter.

Thursday May 2, 2019 - 23:29

In looking forward to listening to this. I know nothing about the Gordon riots.

Friday May 3, 2019 - 11:16

@virginmediatwitter.com Thanks, all sorted now.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 14:37

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com The late nineties and early noughties were confusing times. I mean, I voted for Blair. Kept telling myself “it’s better than another 4 years of Tory rule”.

Sometimes being technically correct doesn’t help.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 14:39

@thetimmorgantwitter.com Wait a year, then see who’s left.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 14:45

Yes, this must be right. Imagine if local voters thought about anything but Brexit! Imagine if 1200-odd losses meant the same as 80-odd. Imagine if we get a second referendum, and it’s the same result 😱.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 16:39

@bruceltwitter.com You’re so retro Bruce.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 16:51

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com For me I think it was the one-two punch of Iraq and the financial crisis. I’m cautious about engaging with the reality of leftist politics, as it seems to be quick to condemn those who are not woke enough, not left enough, rather than defeating a common evil.

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 19:22

@jutertwitter.com AND brings all the boys to the yard!

Saturday May 4, 2019 - 21:01

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com Just read that, amazing! Great articulation of what I’ve been thinking.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 08:33

If you ain’t down with fractals, I feel bad for you, son

I’ve got 99 problems, and 99 smaller problems inside of each one

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 10:21

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 21:41

@barneyfarmertwitter.com I thank you for your service.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 21:48

Followed @wongreltwitter.com , this was amongst the first things he’d RTd. Justified that follow in one tweet.

If @AdamBuxtontwitter.com hasn’t seen this… Well he almost certainly has.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 22:50

@heydonworkstwitter.com You and @jaffathecaketwitter.com should team up.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 23:00

@heydonworkstwitter.com @jaffathecaketwitter.com I’m finding myself surprisingly okay with this.

I’m also thinking of a panel show, where I host, and you two are team captains. Some sort of “have I got news for you” rip-off. We get canned after the pilot, but it’s pure gold.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 23:02

On a more sombre note. A friend recommended this to me. If you’re a Twitter lefty like me, you should read it.

Sunday May 5, 2019 - 23:22

@richardosmantwitter.com Taunton is close

Scarborough is pushing it

Orford needs an extra D

Ely (Cambs or Cardiff) wins!

Monday May 6, 2019 - 09:42

@richardosmantwitter.com Yeah, I don’t know my dwarves. Read this as Greedy bank holy day.

Monday May 6, 2019 - 10:46

Literally just noticed the word Twitter is the sound a bird makes. I feel very stupid right now.

Monday May 6, 2019 - 11:18

I’m looking forward to using bus services again. That one single bus at 10am, followed by a choice of three to return, at 2, 3 or 4 pm, depending on how much shopping I have to do. When I retire. At the age of 98.

Tuesday May 7, 2019 - 22:39

This is nice work.

Tuesday May 7, 2019 - 22:56

@silentworkstwitter.com Amazon will eat them all… Just slowly… Like me at a free buffet. 🤭

Tuesday May 7, 2019 - 23:08

@flowchainsensei

Wednesday May 8, 2019 - 07:19

RT @barneyfarmertwitter.com : Only slightly more hysteric than the prevailing norm, these people heighten my sense of alienation perhaps more than any…

Wednesday May 8, 2019 - 19:45

@benaustwickarttwitter.com Just want to rename to David-hassel-hof… But I’m a child

Wednesday May 8, 2019 - 19:50

@benaustwickarttwitter.com I think he’s only about bringing walls down…

Wednesday May 8, 2019 - 23:05

Congratulations @richard_littlertwitter.com scarfolk is getting a book! Wait am I stuck in a loop?

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 14:19

@HuwJonesLabour Atrophy?

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 18:00

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com It’s hard to even parse what the fuck they think might happen here. Do they think that fewer candidates is better democracy? Jesus.

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 18:19

@jaffathecaketwitter.com So can I take my bytes on as hand luggage, or will they need to go in the hold?

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 18:29

Don’t forget kids, choose Xbox over job security, fair wages, mandatory holiday allowances, legal support and a democratic voice in your future work life… Oh wait.

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 19:23

Jesus. This. Less than a mile from my actual home. 😨

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 19:58

Okay #teampixel I’m loving my new case for my pixel 3.

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 20:01

@ChromiumDevtwitter.com Hmm… Is this like IPFS?

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 20:04

@zannawharfetwitter.com Barney tries to be cute, but he’s worried about the world too.

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 21:46

I was about to berate you for the ageism… Then read that error message. 😱 @EnglishHeritagetwitter.com hire someone to sort your website.

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 22:27

@lucyfrazermptwitter.com @attorneygeneraltwitter.com @PaulMaynardUKtwitter.com @RobertBucklandtwitter.com @DavidGauketwitter.com Fantastic news, I’m sure this will give you plenty of opportunity to further ignore your constituents whilst feathering your London nest.

@FenlandFrazertwitter.com

Thursday May 9, 2019 - 22:30

@jutertwitter.com @EnglishHeritagetwitter.com “Password must be stored in plain text, in our insecure db, and forwarded by email to Brian in security Dept”

Friday May 10, 2019 - 11:17

ARM. Disaster capitalism, the journalist edition.

This is good stuff.

Saturday May 11, 2019 - 00:01

@benaustwickarttwitter.com Is this the name of his new show?

Saturday May 11, 2019 - 00:23

@richard_littlertwitter.com Also thematically similar to the United underworld logo… Are octopuses evil?

Saturday May 11, 2019 - 00:40

@type__errortwitter.com Pupoose or Pupsack?

Saturday May 11, 2019 - 18:47

Actual gasp.

Saturday May 11, 2019 - 19:23

@bruceltwitter.com Shame about the spelling mistake.

Sunday May 12, 2019 - 00:18

I trick sand into thinking, so humans can get food and clothes.

Sunday May 12, 2019 - 23:14

Once a Tory patsy, always a Tory patsy.

Nearly typed pasty…

Sunday May 12, 2019 - 23:21

@lady_ada_kingtwitter.com In the days before the fall of the capitalist hegemony, you had to pay to use a stranger’s phone. It smelled of urine.

Sunday May 12, 2019 - 23:27

You had me at “Late-capitalistic semantic drain”…

I can imagine @jutertwitter.com and @logorrhoeatwitter.com nodding at this.

Monday May 13, 2019 - 12:29

@lady_ada_kingtwitter.com I love the gooey-ness of it! Looks great

Monday May 13, 2019 - 22:54

@doctorowtwitter.com is it just me, it does anyone else see the crouching grimacing figure in the background?

What were Motorola selling?!

Monday May 13, 2019 - 23:04

@benaustwickarttwitter.com I think that’s supposed to be…

Monday May 13, 2019 - 23:14

CSS: hold my beer…

Tuesday May 14, 2019 - 16:14

JavaScript humour in 2019 is basically “it’s funny because node_modules” and recursion.

Tuesday May 14, 2019 - 18:08

@wiyarmirtwitter.com @jevakalliotwitter.com @type__errortwitter.com @smoosh_comedytwitter.com @JoeHarttwitter.com Show me this!

Tuesday May 14, 2019 - 19:17

@type__errortwitter.com @wiyarmirtwitter.com @jevakalliotwitter.com @smoosh_comedytwitter.com @JoeHarttwitter.com I mean, I’m even wearing my best katamari t-shirt today!

Tuesday May 14, 2019 - 23:55

One thing I don’t get is the Change UK branding. Their position is ‘remain’, which is, by default, a vote for NO CHANGE!

NeoLibs have really taken fence sitting to a new level.

Tuesday May 14, 2019 - 23:57

@dancharveytwitter.com How much do we think the vilification of Huawei is a construct perpetuated for the benefit of us having a relationship with the US? I’m feeling quite nervous about this.

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 00:02

@zacharyparadistwitter.com “…must be familiar with Windows…”

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 06:36

@dancharveytwitter.com Yes, good point. I don’t want to excuse what Huawei are enabling in China either.

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 07:13

Hey @GNRailUKtwitter.com I’m on the 0715 ely-kgx carriage 423109, and the heating is on! It’s getting pretty sweaty in here! 😓

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 07:33

@fimoculoustwitter.com

Nothing

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 07:49

RT @EnglishHeritagetwitter.com : Mary Seacole, a pioneering nurse and heroine of the Crimean War, died on this day in 1881.

She lived for many years i…

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 07:58

Woooooh! New @philipglasstwitter.com stuff, and I didn’t know! Sounds fantastic 🎧🥁

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 08:05

Sigh. Why is the equaliser buried in the settings menu in @Spotifytwitter.com , I mean it’s not great, but it’s kinda useful.

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 08:07

Is it cheap enough to nationalise it yet?

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 18:54

@wildoniontwitter.com Perhaps they could be trained to give cheerful banter as they go.

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 18:59

@dancharveytwitter.com Wait until you hear my suggestion for getting us all to contribute to the population’s health in the form of a kind of collective bond. A sort of ’national insurance’ if you like…

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 19:00

@wildoniontwitter.com @Spotifytwitter.com He was, but was then sadly burned in a huge Swedish effigy. Replaced by Denzel Washington.

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 19:09

Good grief. Surely the absence of votes should not automatically mean that a council is approved? Could our national parties not help? @elylabourpartytwitter.com ?

Wednesday May 15, 2019 - 22:52

This guy!

Thursday May 16, 2019 - 07:15

Morning @GNRailUKtwitter.com the heaters are on full blast again! 0715 Ely-kgx carriage 422125. It’d be great if you could get them turned off 😅

Thursday May 16, 2019 - 08:14

It really is. This is a great project, and it’s nice to be involved with something that helps people.

Thursday May 16, 2019 - 13:55

You should follow @vlhtwitter.com for really good advice on effective use of animation on web pages. I do 😎

Thursday May 16, 2019 - 14:00

@emmatuckertwitter.com My vote is for a Railsea adaptation…

Thursday May 16, 2019 - 19:17

“Just take your hands. That’s it. Great. You’re doing ever so well…

Now, put them under your backside, and keep sitting on them. That’s right. Sit on your hands. You see?”

Friday May 17, 2019 - 10:28

@heydonworkstwitter.com Countdown before there’s a bitcoin option presented…

10…

9…

8…

7…

Saturday May 18, 2019 - 08:49

@timkevinoxleytwitter.com Some of its worst parts are exacerbated by bad management in enterprise situations. 20m projects, 10,000 slightly differing, but equally awful Kanban templates, grindingly slow performance and refusal to allow plugins that might provide a glimmer of relief.

Saturday May 18, 2019 - 08:52

I’m sure all @trellotwitter.com users are feeling both a combination of smugness and dread reading conversations like this…

Nobody mention @NotionHQtwitter.com 😁

Sunday May 19, 2019 - 17:29

@HarrisonUXtwitter.com @timkevinoxleytwitter.com I’m not sure it’s failing. In our department, email is almost only used for recieving external comms. I’m not saying slack doesn’t have issues, but to say it’s failing is, I’m guessing, pretty subjective.

Sunday May 19, 2019 - 18:26

@timkevinoxleytwitter.com @HarrisonUXtwitter.com For me, the real power of Slack takes it way beyond WhatsApp. Group calls, bots, etc. Esp useful for us are ephemeral topic channels to debate a single issue, and move on. Email usually gets checked once or twice a day. Like I said, subjective, but not failing.

Sunday May 19, 2019 - 18:56

Better keep Anish Kapoor away from them. He’ll sue.

Monday May 20, 2019 - 06:29

@HarrisonUXtwitter.com @timkevinoxleytwitter.com I might argue that slack and email fill their niches well. Jira does not. It’s demonstrably poorly designed, and is usually poorly implemented in enterprise settings.

Monday May 20, 2019 - 07:49

@codinghorrortwitter.com Where trade wars lead, war war follows.

Monday May 20, 2019 - 17:17

No messing. “Hygiene is very important to us.”

Ely Kebab House on #Google

Tuesday May 21, 2019 - 12:46

@camcreativestwitter.com

Tuesday May 21, 2019 - 13:39

I don’t often get all enthusiastic about work tools, but I did a Lean Canvas session today, using @MiroHQtwitter.com and it was so slick and easy to use. A real pleasure.

Tuesday May 21, 2019 - 13:42

@remtwitter.com @sonniesedgetwitter.com Preferably the Sea of Tranquility

Tuesday May 21, 2019 - 13:58

If you’re a Labour voter, but don’t understand why they might support Brexit in any form; or if you’re a liberal that assumes all Leavers are ignorant, elderly racists; have a read of this

I assume if you’re a Tory, you probably don’t give a fuck.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 06:03

@clews_petertwitter.com Chewie don’t surf man!

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 06:08

A little bit of joy for your morning.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 06:30

Siri, show me cognitive dissonance

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 07:18

A bold incitement to violence, but it’s a pass from me.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 11:51

Yeah, I know satire… but this feels a little misjudged. I’ll reserve judgement until the people of Twitter have watched it, and I can pretend that I have.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 15:05

@ryanand26twitter.com Yeah, me too.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 17:06

Hey @HiveHelpertwitter.com and @IFTTTtwitter.com I’m trying to add my Hive Active Light, but the service connection won’t work. I login, at - then I’m redirected out of the service connection flow on IFTTT. Help!

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 19:15

@nationaltrusttwitter.com Detergent dispensers. Get the staff to fill them with soap flakes, and mix them in with your washing. The laundress will have to do a little more plunging than usual, but it’s little to a burly armed lass.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 19:19

I hope she doesn’t quit. Seriously. Almost nothing could fill me with more fear than the prospect of the Mogg-Johnson-Gove axis of excrement.

#GeneralElectionNow

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 19:21

@nationaltrusttwitter.com Hmm, they look somewhat like a pair of prosthetic eyeballs my uncle Gregory once had. Not his, he had the eyes of a hawk. He kept them in the parlour to scare the ladies.

Wednesday May 22, 2019 - 20:34

@nationaltrusttwitter.com @BacktoBacksNT Curses! This has vexed me. My last guess… Perhaps containers for ambergris or spermaceti?

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 06:24

@brianlerouxtwitter.com @noopkattwitter.com Oh God, me too.

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 10:46

@nationaltrusttwitter.com @BacktoBacksNT Well, strike me!

Good sport 😆

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 10:57

@HiveHelpertwitter.com No applets, was connected to hive heating. De-linked all hive things. Cannot link hive active light, or any other hive services now. 😣

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 16:42

Ha! Foxed all the political last minute jostling, bullshit promises and thinly veiled threats by voting by post last week!

In your face pundits and soon merchants!

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 16:47

Ohmigerd…

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 18:14

Dear political parties. Try campaigning sometime before polling day. It’d be great to hear from you, that one time in five years you actually stick your faces over the parapets, BEFORE I vote.

Like many, I voted last week. By post.

#EUelections2019

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 19:03

Is everything built on lies now?

(I assume @dominostwitter.com in the UK operates a tighter ship)

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 19:04

@gaz_alphatwitter.com wtf!?

Thursday May 23, 2019 - 19:07

FFS @justindquirktwitter.com now there’s something in my eye.

Friday May 24, 2019 - 07:50

@ruskin147twitter.com Hmm, hotbed of radicalism produces an alternate currency so it’s users can trade independently of their nation states.

Next they’ll be releasing an app to help you coordinate local militia.

Friday May 24, 2019 - 07:53

Beginning to wish I hadn’t tried to explain what a cloaca was to a 5 year old.

Friday May 24, 2019 - 09:05

[ @HiveHelpertwitter.com ]( https://twitter.com/[@HiveHelper](https://twitter.com/@HiveHelper)twitter.com ) Any other ways around this [ @HiveHelpertwitter.com ]( https://twitter.com/[@HiveHelper](https://twitter.com/@HiveHelper)twitter.com ) ? IFTTT is pretty useful for integrating hive into my house.

Friday May 24, 2019 - 11:19

@bruceltwitter.com We’re all prime ministers now.

Friday May 24, 2019 - 11:22

Hold onto your hats kids. Mogg’s going to get his Johnson out, and Gove it both barrels.

#GeneralElectionNow

Friday May 24, 2019 - 11:54

FIGHT!

Friday May 24, 2019 - 16:03

Only thing giving me hope right now is the number of Brexity Tories on Twitter that don’t believe Baby Johnson could deliver anything different to May. So they’ll be pissing their votes away on BxP or UKIP.

#GeneralElectionNow

Friday May 24, 2019 - 23:43

@spacekookietwitter.com I always swear by this guy

Friday May 24, 2019 - 23:44

Today, Twitter has been brought to you by @BorisJohnsontwitter.com and…

Friday May 24, 2019 - 23:50

@BigB0bbyTtwitter.com Richard Osman and Arya Stark

Friday May 24, 2019 - 23:57

@richardosmantwitter.com @Maisie_Williamstwitter.com

Saturday May 25, 2019 - 08:19

@BigB0bbyTtwitter.com @richardosmantwitter.com @Maisie_Williamstwitter.com Nicks, definitely.

Saturday May 25, 2019 - 08:44

Ah, that moment between dream and awakening, when you think ‘oh if only that could be true’, and then you remember the reality is quite the opposite.

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 10:25

Mrs G just described this as the soundtrack to a chase scene through a jazz bar in ‘Allo ‘allo…

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 11:17

This is such a great, clear examination of how social media feeds (and feeds on) our outrage. @billttwitter.com

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 11:44

Hmm, I wonder if they’d be as open to forming an alliance with the green party?

No of course not. Because ‘remain’ is not the issue, it’s about grafting themselves onto another established party, full of self-interested fence-sitters.

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 11:50

@dancharveytwitter.com @billttwitter.com Me too.

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 12:18

I don’t have one, but it’d be Big Bang Theory if I did.

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 12:29

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com Need something for scale

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 19:19

Ah, such a haunting photo. If I were her, I’d be fucking crying too. Imagining the circle of hell that she’ll be transported to.

Oh wait. No.

She’s crying because she’s a self-serving monster, and she hadn’t lined up a book deal yet. Yet.

Her comfortable life will go on.

Sunday May 26, 2019 - 19:45

TLDR; She’s a Cancer.

Monday May 27, 2019 - 00:41

Fuck yeah.

Monday May 27, 2019 - 19:57

Inside Tory HQ right now…

Tuesday May 28, 2019 - 00:11

@type__errortwitter.com It’s fine, you can just override all cold symptoms with !important

Tuesday May 28, 2019 - 00:21

@4m3thy5ttwitter.com @BigB0bbyTtwitter.com Pleased to say that they gained a seat in my area. At the expense of the Tories. 3 to BxP, 1 to lib Dems, 1 to green party.

Labour… Slightly worse than the Tories. But to be expected around here.

Wednesday May 29, 2019 - 16:51

If ever there was a rallying cry to appeal to the British sense of decency, this is it! Save the planet, save the biscuits!

Wednesday May 29, 2019 - 23:06

Wait, so how am I supposed to get my Web Mentions now? 😨

Thursday May 30, 2019 - 12:01

@barneyfarmertwitter.com Didn’t power walking cure Liam Neeson of his racism? Imagine if we all walked more! Addiction and prejudice would be a thing of the past, and we’d all be fitter…

Thursday May 30, 2019 - 19:03

@benaustwickarttwitter.com The ghost tried to burn the place down. Twice.

Eventually it gave up. Beddies had that effect on everyone…

Friday May 31, 2019 - 14:15

It’s hard to beat a walk in the Yorkshire dales. Pretty cloudy, but respite is close in the form of the world’s most welcome ice cream van.

Friday May 31, 2019 - 14:28

In case anyone’s wondering why I’d be out in the pissing rain in the middle of the Yorkshire dales, we strolled out to see this. Thornton Force after a week if heavy rain. Lovely.

Friday May 31, 2019 - 15:26

Holiday goals. Achievement unlocked.